i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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