I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
