You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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