life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
