I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
