why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize