I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
