Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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