I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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