im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
