She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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