I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
