At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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