Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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