i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
