The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my poor anus
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
