Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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