Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
