My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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