all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
