She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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