At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
