I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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