A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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