I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
