I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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