He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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