I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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