I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
