yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
