The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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