i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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