I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
