Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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