Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
