so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i out mim tonsoeep
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
