I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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