I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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