theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
