he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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