I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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