The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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