I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
