"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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