Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
