Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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