Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
