All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
