Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize