The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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