i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I understand Curling. That high.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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