i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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