I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
