you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
