i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
