i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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