How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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