Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize