I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Can I color on your dick again?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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