Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
