Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
