I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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