She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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