listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
