you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
