i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
