Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
